Careless Council Causes Chaos

An over-enthusiastic council contractor caused chaos yesterday when his mower caught the edge of the hen's nesting box, knocking it clean off the back of the coop. Three hens escaped following this gross act of negligence which went undiscovered until late the same evening. The hens were later recaptured, but were reported to have enjoyed their 'free range' experience having feasted on an abundance of fresh grass cuttings. The coop was temporarily boarded up and the nesting box repaired early this morning - causing only slight disruption to the egg laying routine, however an inquiry into why this incident was not reported by the contractor will begin once half term is over.

The coop at night

A stroke of light drawn across the night sky wakens the cockerel who shakes his head then tucks it down again; a white blot on the shelf wedged in between two chestnut coloured hens. Warm. The wind whistles through the gap in the door blowing cold air that lifts a feather, which curls down onto the straw floor. The hens shuffle where they roost, their combs flopped to one side. A blackbird sweeps past, lands in the ash tree whose branches overhang the coop, disturbing a twig that spins onto the ground marking the moment that dawn breaks.

Ofsted visit

Well - the staff have been in school all weekend - running around like blue arsed flies mostly. Apparently they've got an Ofsted visit on Tuesday and Wednesday and he's been told to clean up the coop (again) - crazy talk - we're as clean as ... happy as ... pigs in shit, well ... sawdust anyway. He said, 'don't know WTF this country's doing ...' - sounds like fighting talk to me.

So, no idea what this Oftsted visit entails but I hope we survive the week. Honestly, if they say anything about our coop, I promise you, I'm going to tell them about the ducks ...

Hens Confidential

'Don't get me wrong - we're very attached to the cockerel and acknowledge he's quite impressive to look at now his tail feathers have grown - but we're the ones who lay the eggs and considering how cold it is, I think we're doing a pretty good job. OK one of us might have an off day now and again, but then who doesn't? We're all entitled to one once in a while. Anyway, just in case you were wondering - there are six of us and no, we don't have names, we all know exactly who we are.'

Hen by MJ Clements. Oil on canvas. 2008

Blowing in the wind

Found in playground outside hen coop.

Pecking order

[Presenter speaks in hushed tones aka David Attenborough]

The cockerel and his hens were incubated, hatched and have been living together for over six months and we can see the pecking order is being established.

Speckled one has the upper hand. Though she’s the smallest, she’s the first into the mash, snatches green beans out of the cockerels mouth, runs off with anything the other hens are trying to eat and is the first into the coop for supper at night. It is possible that her ability to do vertical take-offs has contributed to her success as she can jump higher than the other hens.

The cockerel shares his affection around liberally. The hens don’t seem impressed as he takes them from behind, but he does shield their faces with his wing whilst he’s at it and they’re happy to rub past him to get to treats of cucumber and their favourite green beans ... [to be continued]

The Cockerel Tapes: Security Issues. Take One.

[Reporter to camera] The Home Office has recently published new guidelines on security. They advise the following sensible precautions for those at home, Be prepared for any major disruption, including severe weather and floods. In many types of emergency, you could lose access to power, water, telephones, and roads.

[Reporter to cockerel] What's your response to the latest advice from the government following the flooding?

[Cockerel] Well, I think it's a bit unfair really. Not thought through properly. Someone should have consulted us in the planning stages ...

[Reporter shoves microphone directly under cockerel's beak] ... Now, are there any specific points you want to make to the government? Anything positive they could do to help?
Anything they've missed?

[Cockerel leans forward] Thanks. Well, it doesn't really affect us if the power or phones go off, but if something serious were to happen to one of us ...

[Reporter] OK. I think we'd all accept the parameters for this advice need some adjustment, but what about the basics? Food? Fresh water? Are any of you showing symptoms of flood-borne disease?

[Cockerel momentarily glances back at the hens] What sort of disease? [Fixes eye on reporter]. No, they keep a good supply of mash and grain in the shed next door. A roof would help, or maybe they could raise the level of the floor. But I've asked. It's the funding, apparently. Well that's what I get told.

[Reporter to camera] So that's it. The government needs to make a promise on more funding to prevent this misery being repeated for future generations ...

[Cockerel to reporter] Yes, that's about it. Thanks for that [looks anxiously round at hens]. Got to go now. I feel a crow coming on ...